The L Word

Love

I’m a dummy.  At least I am when it comes to love.  I am book smart, have two degrees, a decent IQ, and can hold my own in just about any conversation.  But when it comes to men and relationships, all of the sense that God gave me goes straight out the window.

I recently ended a situationship with a man that dragged on (& off) for far too long.  It had become toxic.  Then I had to end it yet again.  Because as luck (and Satan) would have it, he came back into my life briefly.  He said all of the things that I had been longing to hear.  But talk is cheap.  He couldn’t back up his words with action, well not the actions I wanted him to take.  So it’s over, for the umpteenth time.

When you can’t even go crying to your best friends about a man, because they have heard it all before, there is a problem.  That problem is YOU.  So I am putting on my big girl panties (the ugly ones, so I am not tempted to do anything), dusting myself off and focusing on me.

I realize now that all of his (and any other man’s) words worked on me, because I didn’t have the tools I needed to resist BS.  I put so much emphasis on getting someone else to care about me again, that I lost myself in the process.  I kept waiting to hear three words from a man that I should have been saying to myself.  They say you have to love yourself, before you love anyone else.  I am starting to see just how essential that is.

I am my own worst critic.  I look at myself and see all of my flaws.  I look at my life and see all of my failures. So it makes sense to me why I have been settling for less.  I didn’t think I deserved more.  I didn’t think I deserved to be in a healthy realationship. My inner critic told me that I should have been happy that someone wanted me at all, especially after a divorce.

I have been through a lot in my life.  But my past cannot and will not dictate my future.  So I am making a vow to put myself first.  My health, my dreams, and my peace of mind will no longer be jeopardized.  My time will not be wasted anymore.  My love will not be either.  Because I am going to spend it on the person that matters the most…me.

Tamia has a song that I love called “Me.”  It is a quintessential break up song in which she talks about being strong enough to choose herself.

And her name is me
And she loves me more than you’ll ever know
And I finally see that
Loving you and loving me just don’t seem to work at all
So patiently
She’s waiting on me to tell you that she needs love
And to choose between you two
Boy you know if I have to choose I choose me

“Love is an unconditional commitment to an imperfect person.”

I am imperfect.  Yet, I am worthy of love.  I am learning to put myself at the top of the list of things I love.  I am no longer going to look outward for validation or for love.  It has to start from within.  So when Mr. Right (not Mr. Right Now) comes along, he will just add to the love that I already have for myself.

Right now, can you make an unconditional relationship with yourself, just at the height you are, the weight you are, with the intelligence that you have and your current burden of pain?  Can you enter into an unconditional relationship with that?  —  Pema Chodron, as quoted by Tracee Ellis Ross

 

 

 

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