Let Me Holla At You!


Is it just me or do guys “holla” at you when you look your bummiest, or most casual (ie., after the gym/dance class)?!  I swear on laundry day you’d think I was dressed for a red carpet event with the attention I get.  Then on the days that I actually put forth some effort…crickets!

I remember one particular day I was really feeling myself.  I walked out of the house ready to take on the world and expecting to fight back a whole heap of suitors (“Now now boys, take a number…”).  Yet, I went through the day and nada.  Like is this thing on?

Granted, 9 times out of 10, I deflect most advances while I’m out anyway.  But I realized that part of me misses it when I don’t have any to reject.  I mean, some men in NYC make it so easy…

  1. I don’t speak snake – don’t hiss at me.
  2. I’m not and won’t ever be your “baby” or “ma” (or your baby mother for that matter).
  3. Touching me is a no-no.
  4. Following me will not change my mind.
  5. Cursing me out or trying to insult me, after I decline, is pathetic.
  6. Don’t tell me to smile or ask me why I’m not.  You may be the reason.
  7. Compliment me in a way that doesn’t make me feel like I need to shower after (especially you, older man).

Side note: You can do any and all of these if you are Idris Elba.

I was in a relationship for a little over a decade.  So when it ended, I had to navigate the world of dating again.   I felt like a fish out of water.  I had no clue how to even get started.  I was not looking forward to going through the “getting to know you” stage all over again.  Compounded with the (above) way guys often approached me, I definitely wasn’t hopeful.

I was shocked by how much the dating world had changed while I was hiding under my rock.  Apparently, people didn’t just meet in person or through mutual friends anymore.  Now they could also meet on one of the many online platforms. There was Match, eHarmony, OkCupid, Plenty of Fish, Christian Mingle, (and Tinder now), plus specific sites for every ethnicity, hobby and fetish imaginable (or so I’ve heard).  I was overwhelmed.

I’m old school and preferred to meet someone in person.  I still had the rom com fantasy of (literally) bumping into him on the street and looking up only to see the man of my dreams.  Corny, I know.

I soon learned that texting was the primary method of communication.  Again, I’m traditional when it comes to courting, so I got annoyed with that very quickly.  I just wanted to scream, Pick up the phone and CALL ME!”  I felt like an old lady shaking her cane at the “teeny boppers” on her lawn.

It didn’t take long to figure out that some guys expected texts to lead to sexts.  This was disconcerting.  Like stop asking for a picture of me!  You saw what I looked like.  Plus, I’m the smart ass that will send you a pic of my middle finger.  Then there were the ones that thought I wanted unsolicited pics of them (ahem).

PSA: Guys, don’t, I repeat DON’T send pics of you that weren’t specifically requested.  Especially if it isn’t of anything worthy of being featured on the cover of National Geographic.  If you insist, just know that women often share those pics with their friends…and laugh.

Some guys thought their lame texts granted them the right to be bold.  They bypassed the whole first date and went straight to asking if they could “come through.”  Jigga what?  Jigga who?

Others that had a little more sense wanted to text me to death.  Look, I’m not typing you my whole life story.  Pick up the phone homie.

Fortunately, I didn’t have to suffer in the abyss for too long.  I met a guy, while at my friend’s birthday party.  He asked me for my phone number.  He called me (yay!) to get to know me and then asked me out to dinner.  It was so reassuring to know that gentlemen like him still existed…


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